Live, Love, and Wanting a Second Child

This is a few weeks after knowing we were expecting and we went on vacation to Cape Cod...our little family was growing, and we were counting down the days till our 8 week appt.

This is one of my Favorite pictures of us...this completely describes how I've felt for Hartley every second of her life...I adore motherhood, and here we knew we were 5 weeks pregnant with baby #2!!  It was the best feeling ever!

Our first mini announcement to a select few 

My kids...They are crazy about each other, Hartley wants kisses from Oscar all day...it is so endearing...These last photos aren't the best quality wise, but I love my kids, human and furry!

GUEST BEDROOM: Joss & Main (similar) / HARTLEY'S DRESS: GAP (similar) / BOOK: I'm a Big Sister 

I’m 39 (37 when we started trying for baby #2)…let’s face it my window is getting smaller, but not to worry I tell myself.

Unfortunately, with my first child, Hartley, her birth experience was not what I had planned for (are they ever).  I had to have an emergency C-section, because her umbilical cord was too short, and she wasn’t going to make it.  It was scary and I didn’t educate myself on the C-section process, because I wasn’t remotely expecting it.  Suddenly I had these old wives’ tales popping into memory.  In the end it wasn’t a big deal…should I need one again…not scary at all, just more so frustrating, because I really want to experience natural birth.

With a C-section, my doctor wanted me to wait 6 months to a year before trying to conceive again. Our original plan, was at the 6-week mark!  Now we had to wait 6 months to a year…ugggh a lifetime…and what if it took a whole year to conceive again­­­­­­!  I was ready…my husband was ready…we want lots of babies!  We both have so much love to give, and want to be parents with a large family so badly!  6 months seemed like an eternity…although looking back, I’m so blessed to have experienced Hartley’s first year plus of life, just us…to really experience every moment with her…interesting how things work out.

With Hartley, it took almost one year to conceive her. We had suffered a devastating miscarriage a few months after we were married and started trying. I thought I would never get over it…my heart goes out to all the women and families who have experienced the same thing. It’s a horrendous and heart crushing experience to have.  Miraculously, we ended up conceiving Baby H weeks before our first baby’s original due date.  The good news that we were pregnant again, made it bearable when that day rolled around.  I was so grateful to have the hope of a healthy baby arriving during that most difficult time.

So backing up even more, with conceiving Hartley, I went through 6-7 months of weekly acupuncture, with the best doctor I could find.  She was amazing and confident.  We worked on the quality of my eggs, the quality of my lining…things someone in their 20’s/early 30’s doesn’t have to focus on so much.  I took herbs every morning and night (which were awful tasting).  I spent my days visualizing my first daughter to be!  About 1-2 months before we conceived, she said I was ready, and so were my eggs for the next few months, so I stopped seeing her.

**Major side note here, if you are experiencing any stress in your life, for example, with family or friends, you need to cut that out…however, that means for you!  I had quite a bit of stress, that was eating me alive, and preventing me from conceiving.  I didn’t realize how deeply I was being affected, regardless of the fact that my stomach was in knots, and I felt like I was going to throw up every day…hello!  So if you are experiencing that, the healing advice I got, was that babies come to love, not stress.  Once I cut those people out of my life, wished them well mentally, and healed from the pain they caused me, we conceived the next week!  The very next week!  Stress is no joke, and please don’t let people who aren’t worth your time, interfere with your chance to conceive, or with anything in life actually.  Cut out those stressors, send them love, heal, and move forward with loving thoughts only…Love, love, love! I was told to think about nothing but Love, Love, Love, and then we conceived!

This second time around…I had been given extra faith that my body and state of mind were in such a different place then they were when trying for my first.  There’s almost a sense of peace in knowing that you were able to carry one child, which gives you successful and positive thoughts when thinking about conceiving your second.  Regardless, that 6-month mark hit and we were on a mission.  I honestly thought we would get pregnant month one, because I was in such a blissful state.  I didn’t feel I needed my acupuncturist this second time.  We actually tested positive a few days early that first month, but then my cycle started…boo…that would have been lovely and easy right.

I love being a momma!!  I had Absolutely No idea how much I would enjoy motherhood! Hartley’s first year of life, I treasured every amazing and stressful moment, because I knew how quickly, that too shall pass.  Even the worst of moments, I found joy, because I knew they were so fleeting, so why let it work me up, and I just soaked up those crazy sleepless times.  I can absolutely not wait to have another infant in our home!  Oh how I treasured every second of that first year with Hartley, and well, every day since, I express my gratitude for her as my daughter, many a times, every day!  I felt like time was flying and we were just anxious to expand our hearts and give more of our love to more children.

A few months after we started trying, I thought, wait let me check my ovulation schedule, and make sure I’m ovulating correctly…Tip…just do that first thing ladies!  I found out I wasn’t even ovulating till day 21...what!!!  I wasn’t even trying day 21…(those wasted monthsL) the next month my cycle was 17 days, and into my doctor we went.  We went on 3 months of Clomid, which is supposed to regulate your ovulation.  Month one, great, all on schedule, but no pregnancy…month two, one high ovulation day, but didn’t reach peak ovulation.  Month three…nothing…no high or peak ovulation…meaning no chance…back to the doctor.  It was time to see a specialist.

A specialist it is…No biggie, lets solve this problem and get it going!  I am definitely that person who is always thinking up the solution, moments after realizing a problem, mine or someone else’s…I can’t help it, I’m like a guy in that way...I like solving problems, closing the door, and turning the page.

Then we started getting excited, maybe we will have twins, another girl and a boy...fantastic…let’s start the process!  My frame of mind wasn’t sadness…it was just here’s the problem...let’s solve it!  The recommended place was booked out almost 2 months...bummer…seemed like years away…I set our appointment.

From that moment on, I literally just gave up…my husband and I were just going to enjoy our time together, and not dwell on it, more so me, I’m the one that harps on everything.  I kept thinking something is definitely wrong with me, and we will just let the professionals do their thing, and we’ll get pregnant a different way.  So the next month, I ate sushi, brie, prosciutto, goat cheese, oysters…one or more of those, every single day.  I drank margaritas one day (maybe one too many)…Basically, everything I didn’t do the previous months, and especially around certain times…because what “if” I was pregnant.  I just surrendered to the process, enjoyed the summer celebrations, and was basically a free spirit from my thoughts about trying to conceive, and kind of just indulged a little.

Wouldn’t you know it, that’s when we got pregnant…that first “non-trying” month!!!

To my knees in gratitude and prayer did I go...I wept all day!  Actually, every day since, I get teary eyed, because I’m so grateful to be pregnant again and expanding our little family.

I actually could tell, 5 days prior to the day my cycle was supposed to start, because my tummy was oddly hurting, and suddenly I was like 5-6 lbs heavier, with a pooch. The second baby showing immediately thing, is no joke!  Ha! I’ll go more into that in another post.

The point is, sometimes, right when you give up completely focusing and stop “trying,” miracles happen!!

For all the women desperately wanting to be a momma out there…my heart literally aches for you!  I know that feeling of wanting a child so badly, that each month of trying, feels like a year of life!  The not knowing can be paralyzing!  Of course, everyone you know, asks you all the time, if you are pregnant…and you get to a point where you literally want to shout at them, that when it happens, they will be one of the first to know, and thank you for reminding me that we aren’t.  It’s the hardest time…the not knowing…and wanting something so badly for you and your spouse.  Especially, when its something you spent your whole life laying the proper and loving foundation for.  Sometimes, it’s just not fair…

My takeaways and what I’ll tell my daughters:

-- Get the ovulation kit month one

-- Cut out the tumor…remove yourself from stressful or negative people and situations, even if it means cutting them out of your life...it’s astonishing the way stress can deteriorate oneself

-- Think loving thoughts only

-- Positive visualization of the type of child you want to raise and them to become

-- Seek the right acupuncturist if needed (this completely worked for me), and have other methods of stress relief, in terms of fitness and activities you love to do

-- Surround yourself with people who are rooting for you and want your happiness even more than their own

-- Have faith that good news will await you and sometimes, when you stop trying, miracles can still happen

-- Obviously, seek medical advice if you’ve been trying for a while and nothing is happening

Yes, this is not completely helpful if you do have a medical condition etc…but I wish I would have had this insight, month one, when we started trying.

I hope I inspire someone, and again this is just my story…we all have our own.

And seriously…if you are wanting children as much as I did, and having difficulty….my heart goes out to you, and I will pray for you!  I wish I had the power to grant all these loving, deserving, mothers and families the chance for children!  However, no matter how your babies come to you, whether thru pregnancy, in vitro, surrogacy, or adoption…they are your babies, and I wish this kind of love on everyone!